


Alex misses the way he and Luke used to be

by alley_oops, jennandanica



Series: Citadel: Luke Evans and Alex Skarsgard [193]
Category: Actor RPF, Citadel (Journalfen RPG), True Blood RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 13:34:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14106504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alley_oops/pseuds/alley_oops, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennandanica/pseuds/jennandanica





	Alex misses the way he and Luke used to be

[backdated to late 2016; follows a couple months after [Alex and Luke made a huge decision](http://citadel-luke.dreamwidth.org/10687.html)]

"Petra's got the twins. They're good," Alex says when his husband enters the sunny kitchen, already putting his coat on to leave. "And Elijah cooked, here," he adds, and pops a forkful of omelet into Luke's mouth before he can protest. "I think they're going to the park this morning."

"Okay." Luke nods, chewing, patting his pockets to make sure he's got everything. "I should be home normal time as long as everything goes smoothly."

Alex scoops up another forkful of eggs and holds it to his husband's lips. "Don't make me tell your trainer you're not eating right," he warns, "because it pisses me off that you'll listen to him but you won't listen to me. Hey," he links his free hand with Luke's. "I love you. Spend time with me tonight."

Luke nods. "Of course," he says, making sure he's swallowed fully before he leans in to kiss Alex, giving his hand a squeeze.

"All right." Alex would never go so far as to say he and Luke are codependent - both of them are too independent for that ever to happen - but _damn_ it's hard to say goodbye some days. He just doesn't seem to get enough of his boy these days, and he feels the lack like a hole in his life. Still he watches his husband leave. And checks out his ass while he walks away.

* * *

The morning at least goes smoothly and there's a spring in Luke's step as he takes his lunch back to his trailer. He swings the door open, stepping up in, styrofoam container in one hand, phone in the other, texting Alex to see how his day's going.

"Hey." Alex tosses his phone onto the sofa and hops to his feet, already reaching for his husband.

Luke looks up from his phone, eyes wide, wondering if he's seeing things right up until the moment Alex touches him. "You're here," he says, setting his lunch down and wrapping his arms around Alex's neck. Beaming at him. "I wasn't expecting you." Two for two, that's him, Captain Obvious.

"I couldn't stand the thought that you might be missing me," Alex smiles back, and pulls him in even closer for a hello kiss. Almost of their own accord his hands slide down Luke's back and over his hips, but then he makes himself step away. "I just thought we could have lunch together."

"I was just texting you," Luke says, unable to stop smiling. "When did you get here?"

"Maybe an hour ago." Alex grins back like the giddy fool he is around his husband. Sitting, he opens a paper sack with a flourish, revealing a large sandwich wrapped in waxed paper. "I have a panini. Elijah made me a _panini_ ," he says, unscrewing the cap of his water bottle. "It's got roasted tomatoes and maple-smoked ham and goat cheese and I don't even know what else."

Luke peers over at the sandwich. "You didn't bring me one?" he pouts playfully.

"No, because I can't defy your _trainer_ , fuck no," Alex says in an exaggerated tone. "But I reserve the right to take your cheat day." He looks up and gives his lover a wink. "Custard and cream, served on me."

"Deal," Luke grins, opening up his styrofoam container of salad and chicken. More chicken. Always chicken. He sighs. "Can I at least have a potato tonight? I would give anything for some carbs."

"Why are you asking me? You know I'll say yes," Alex points out, licking a drop of pesto from his fingertip. Yeah, it is more than a little infuriating that Luke answers to someone other than Alex, someone who isn't even his employer. "What do you want, mashed? Baked, with butter and sour cream and bacon and cheese?"

Luke groans at the last. "The last but I shouldn't." He sighs again. "Maybe mashed?" That's surely better than baked with all the trimmings. "I should take a role where I'm allowed to gain weight," he says with a laugh.

Alex snickers, grinning at his husband. God, he's simply _happy_ being with Luke. "You want to get all fat and sassy on me? I think I need to brace myself."

"Not fat," Luke protests, even as he eats his lunch, sans salad dressing, no less. "I was heavier in Tamara Drewe and you thought I was hot."

"You were incredibly hot in Tamara Drewe. If I ever had reason to live in a tiny English village, I'd make Andy mine within minutes of my arrival," Alex teases.

Luke smiles. "You should do this more often," he says. "Come and have lunch with me."

"That'd be cool," Alex agrees, glancing at his lover every few seconds. "I don't want to distract you or anything. But... You know, but now that I'm not working." Difficult enough already, taking a break from actively shooting in favour of being Mr. Mom while his husband's on a film set. Unfamiliar as it is. "And I dig how well Petra and Elijah are working out. I just... There are some parts from our life before that I miss so much."

"Like what?" Luke asks, taking another bite of salad.

Alex shrugs a little. "Like, just touching you whenever, however. Playing with your nipple rings while you're cooking. Or coming up behind you and taking your pants down so I can fuck you without a word. Using my boy how I want to." He sits back and takes a sip of water. "I know the nannies are both Citadel-affiliated, but it's not just them, it's the babies too. I feel... I don't know, it's weird. I guess I feel sort of inhibited." It's not a feeling he's at all familiar with.

Luke sits back, exhaling softly. "Do you want me to try and fix this or are you just looking for me to listen?" he asks, unwilling to dive in with suggestions if that's not what Alex wants.

"I don't need you to fix it," Alex replies, surprised that Luke asked. "But I want your opinion, I guess. How do you feel about all that stuff?" Because he could still be more vague if he tried, sure.

"I miss it, but I guess between work and the babies, I just take it for granted things have changed," Luke says honestly. "But you know, that's why we got Cit-affiliated nannies. I wouldn't do anything in front of them, but you can ask them to go read to the twins or... I don't know. Take them outside for a while. We can arrange some sort of word or phrase you use that tells them we want some time alone and not to come back until we call them."

"Hmm." Alex mulls this over as he tosses the rubbish from his lunch into the bin. "That's a good idea, I could see that working." His eyes flash with a devilish gleam. "Can I tell them the code word, and then surprise you? Because you know how I love surprising you."

Luke laughs but he's delighted at the thought. "That would be fine. You're also welcome to let Elijah cook dinner and us take ourselves to the playroom. I wouldn't object to being tormented, even after work, if I didn't have to do anything else."

Alex is pleased at first, but, "Try that statement again. It needs work."

Luke gives Alex a teeny bit of a look but he rethinks what he said and, "Your boy would love it if you had Elijah cook us dinner while you had your wicked way with him in the playroom, or anywhere else sir wants."

His eyes narrow, and Alex hangs back on his first impulse, to treat them both to a reminder of exactly how their contract works. Luke has to return to the set in ten minutes or so, after all. Still, his voice is heavy with sarcasm when he says, "Your sir is pleased to know that his boy won't object to _serving as a boy_ , when he's not busy with other shit."

"That's not what your boy said," Luke points out, sudden anger lining his own tone. "Your boy said in addition to you using your code word with the nannies, whenever you want of course, that he would love it if you had someone else make dinner if you wanted to drag him off to the playroom and weren't playing with his nipple rings in the kitchen or fucking him over the island."

"Someone else can make dinner any fucking time," Alex snaps, getting to his feet. "Someone else can call for delivery, I don't fucking care. Your first concern shouldn't be other things when you're home. The twins are taken care of, and we promised each other we wouldn't let our D/s slide." He yanks his jacket on and checks for wallet, keys, phone. "I'm trying to be there for you, Luke."

"And so am I," Luke shouts, rising to his feet as well. He doesn't even get how they got here. What he said wrong that set Alex off. "Why do you think I'm concerned about anything else at home? Every fucking thing I do at home is for you. It's my job as your boy to take care of you, of our household, our life together. What the hell do you think I'm doing that's more important than you and our family?"

Alex has heard his lover yell, many many times. But usually it's under _very_ different circumstances. Right now it just makes him feel sick to his stomach. "I'm not having a screaming match with you here," he says quietly, opening the trailer door. "I'll see you at home."

Luke wants to stop him, wants to go after him, wants them to have this out here, now, demand that Alex answer his questions. But he can't. He's going to be called back to work any moment. He needs to get his head back into character and shove all of this down until later.

* * *

In spite of his words, there's no way Alex can go home yet, not now. He drives off the studio lot and gets on the highway, unclear just where he's going. He really doesn't care. He takes an unfamiliar exit and makes a few random turns before spying a sign for a botanical garden and adjoining park. After checking in with Petra by phone - the twins are fine, _of course_ they're fine, the two nannies have something like fifteen years' accumulated experience between them, while Alex himself has, oh, none - he climbs out of the car and sets off to explore. Sitting down beneath a towering oak tree, he leans his head back against the trunk and attempts to quiet his whirling mind. He and Luke don't fight, not really. They didn't used to, anyway; is it his paranoid imagination, or is their relationship beginning to fail?

He swipes angrily at the water in his eyes, but it doesn't stop more tears from falling.

Luke finishes out the day, like a professional, but his heart's not in it. He barely smiles, doesn't join the cast when they take their usual afternoon break and heads for his trailer the moment he's done. He started out angry, pissed off at Alex, but that had blurred into hurt and confusion and now he doesn't know what he feels. Yeah what he said at first was a little cheeky but he still doesn't get why his "fixing" it set Alex off the way it did or why his husband doesn't seem to get that compared to most couples with little ones, they qualify as sex maniacs. Sure a lot of it's more vanilla than he'd prefer but at least they're finding the time and Alex not being happy with what they have just leaves him feeling... like he's not enough. Like he's a failure.

Alex meanders his way home after a few hours of self-indulgent contemplation, well aware that having such time to himself is a luxury. He picks up dinner on the way and puts it into the oven in foil to stay warm. Not that he knows for sure when Luke will return home. But he figures, eventually... Trying to shake off the miasma, he relieves Elijah of the twins and puts Kaja and Rhys in their bath together. The two of them are getting bigger every day, tentatively crawling and trying to put absolutely everything in their mouths. When he sings and splashes at the bubbles with them, their giggles lighten Alex's heart for the first time since the argument with his husband.

A car drops him off after work and Luke lets himself in, the door closed quietly behind him. He hangs his coat up, puts away his bag and makes his way down the hall, listening to Alex reading to the twins for a few minutes before moving forward into the doorway.

"Over the hilltops, where the dragons hide," Alex sings softly, making flapping wings of his hands. "You--"

"Da!" Rhys's delighted shriek is echoed by Kaja's, and she claps her chubby hands together. Alex looks back over his shoulder.

"Yeah, there's your Da," he agrees, measuring Luke with his eyes. Silently searching for answers.

"Hey." Luke smiles and steps into the room, dropping kisses on both small heads before giving his husband a quick peck on the lips. "Are you having a good storytime?"

"Yeah. Great," Alex says, reaching out to smooth Kaja's downy hair. "We had bath time, too, and dinner -- That reminds me," Alex adds, and looks up to meet his husband's eyes. "Dinner is warm. I stopped by Cafe Roam and got roast chicken, plus the creamy mashed potatoes with garlic and parmesan."

"Thank you," Luke says, tearing up just a little. Alex remembered. "Did you eat?" he asks. They often feed the twins separately and then have their dinner after the babies have gone to bed.

"No, I waited for you," Alex answers. He does a last diaper check on Rhys and takes him into his arms, walking over to Luke. "Say, 'night-night, Da,'" he coaxes his son, who enthusiastically responds with a garbled approximation and a huge gummy grin. "Now a kiss," he says, lifting Rhys to buss Luke's cheek.

Luke kisses Rhys and then Kaja, helping Alex put them down to sleep, the monitor turned on and the lights turned off behind them. The door closed. "Where are Elijah and Petra?"

"Elijah is off. Petra slept today so she's on tonight, if they get up." It seems to have taken forever, but the twins actually sleep through the night more often than not these days. "Are you hungry now?" Alex asks, turning away for the kitchen.

"Starving," Luke says, following Alex down the hall. He hadn't finished his lunch after their argument.

Alex grabs a pair of oven mitts and starts laying out their dinner on the table, hoping it's not too dried out. His shoulders are stiff and his manner uncharacteristically restrained as he pours them each a glass of chilled Sauvignon Blanc. He can't read his husband right now, and still doesn't know where they are after their fight. Hell, he isn't even certain whether they're done fighting yet.

Luke washes his hands and takes a seat across from Alex. "Permission to speak freely, sir?" he says softly, finally. After all, whatever he said earlier that set Alex off obviously came from feeling like he could do just that.

Arching an eyebrow, Alex shoots him an incredulous glare, before he manages to get his expression under control. _Sir?_ Sure, it's pretty much never that Luke uses his name, but even so they're fairly informal with each other out of scene. Especially since they expanded their family. "Yeah. Go ahead."

"I'm sorry we fought at lunch," Luke says, needing to get that out of the way first. "I had a really shitty afternoon because of it and I can't imagine yours was any better."

"No," Alex agrees, sipping at his wine. Hungry as he is, his stomach still feels too curdled for solid food. "You feel like you needed permission to say that?"

"No, I felt like I needed permission to ask you what happened," Luke says, sitting back, watching Alex. "I thought we were having an open conversation about our sex life and there was something I said that you didn't like and you asked me to reword and when I did, you got even more upset. I've thought through what I said and I can't figure out what it was that set you off."

Alex snorts softly, the sound as far from humour as it could be. "You said that you wouldn't object to having my attention only so long as you didn't have anything else to keep you busy." The notion still leaves him cold inside, rocked to a suddenly hollow core. "How the hell do you think I should feel about that?"

Luke stares at Alex for a moment, not even sure he's heard right. "As long as I didn't have anything else to keep me busy? I didn't say that. I would _never_ say that. You're my world, you and the twins."

"Christ, you really think I don't remember what you said?" Alex mutters, pressing his hand to his eyes for a moment. The words are engraved on his brain. "You said yeah I could torment you if I wanted to, so long as you didn't have anything else to do." When did this happen? When did he become just one more daily task for his husband to complete? Alex Maintenance. _Fuck_.

"That's not at all what I meant," Luke says. "I was giving you another suggestion for us getting more time together. I was saying I'm already exhausted when I walk through the door these days and if you arranged for Elijah to stay on and make dinner, we could get away to the playroom and I could completely focus on you. Because I wouldn't be worrying about making dinner and cleaning up and all of that. The getting away with you is something I want. I just don't have the energy for everything. I'm sorry." He puts his hands up, already in tears. "I just don't."

If Alex's heart weren't already splintering into shards, it would be now. His lover's tears damn near break him. "Luke, I don't need you to make dinner. I don't need you to clean up. I don't want any of that. I want _you_."

Luke pushes away from the table and goes to Alex, climbing into his lap, so fucking grateful for his lover's size. He wraps his arms around Alex's neck and kisses him, still sobbing because he can't help it.

A wave of shock shakes Alex, a completely different perspective jangling abruptly in his mind. But, "No. Wait," he whispers against Luke's mouth, pushing him away just long enough that he can slip out of his chair and onto the floor. Mindful that the furniture in their rental house can't be trusted like the sturdy accommodations they fill their real homes with. In the next instant he pulls Luke back down into his lap, clinging tightly for another desperation-tinged kiss.

"I'm sorry," Luke whispers, kissing Alex again and again.

"I'm sorry," Alex echoes, tangling his fingers in his husband's hair. "I shouldn't doubt you. I'm sorry."

"No, you shouldn't," Luke says, lifting his head. "You're everything to me. Nothing's more important. But sometimes balancing everything is really hard and when you're not happy with what we've got, what we've carved out, it makes me feel like I'm letting you down, both as your boy and your husband. I feel like we're doing great. I feel like we're handling things way better than most parents of two little kids do but you don't seem to feel the same way. And I get it, you miss spontaneity, being able to have me service you wherever and whenever, and us fucking like bunnies, and I miss it too, but I can't do everything. I can't handle it all. I need your help and your... making sure I can shut my brain down about the other crap I should be doing, which to me is still part of our contract, taking care of you, of our household, our family, so I can give you _all_ of me." He drops his gaze, aware that he's just poured _everything_ out, every fibre of his being pleading with Alex to understand him, to get where he's coming from, to get how much love and need and desire to please is behind all of this.

The distress radiating from his lover slams into Alex like a haul of bricks. "Look at me, Luke," he says softly, taking his face between his hands. "Don't talk about letting me down. You're amazing and miraculous and you're the glue that holds our family together. But I'm changing our contract, right now." He licks his lips then says, "I'm taking your chores away. You're still my boy, and your rules are still the same. But no more cooking, laundry, shopping, cleaning... None of it." Alex has been neglecting his boy, he realizes now. He's every bit as responsible for Luke's well-being as Luke is for his.

Luke stares at Alex for a moment, the words slowly sinking in. He'd only meant occasionally, when Alex wanted to play, but hearing that, no more chores, no more household responsibilities other than his husband and their kids, other than his sir, he feels a weight lift from his shoulders that he wasn't even aware was there. And he nods. "Please." So fucking grateful. "Can I cook sometimes though? On the weekends?"

It's couched as a request rather than an outright argument, and so Alex nods after a moment of thought. "Maybe. But you'll need to check with me first for permission." He lightly caresses his boy's face with his fingertips. "I haven't been protecting you like I should've been. I'm sorry."

Luke exhales, a soft shuddery breath. "I don't think I knew how much it was all getting to me," he says quietly. "I thought I was doing fine juggling everything." He tightens his arms around Alex's shoulders. "I would have said something if I had."

Alex nods again, though his brain is hurtling on into a pit of self-recrimination. It's _his job_ to take care of Luke, and he hasn't been doing it. It pisses him off whenever life reminds him that he isn't actually omnipotent. "What can I give you tonight?"

"I really need to eat," Luke says, wishing it wasn't the case but he's running on fumes as it is. "But maybe we could eat on the couch instead? And then go to bed? Not to sleep, I mean."

"Of course." Alex drags his lover in for one last long kiss, then helps him to his feet. "You, sit," he orders, pointing at the couch. It's a small matter to bundle up the food and transport it to the coffee table. At least they can have some physical contact while they eat, just sitting together.

Luke presses close the moment Alex is seated, keeping their legs and arms touching as he digs into his dinner. "Mm. This is good," he mumbles, the tension in his body slowing easing, his stomach settling. "Thank you."

Alex shrugs off the thanks - somehow, they just don't feel quite right - and kisses his husband's cheek. He searches for something to say, and finds himself treading the conversational ground that's most frequent for them in this terrifying new world: their children. "I taught Kaja what sound a walrus makes, when we were playing with the bath toy animals."

Luke stills for a second and then grins at Alex. "I don't think _I_ even know what sound they make."

"Oh, Luke." Alex tilts his head and looks at his husband with mock sadness. "Coo-coo-ca-choo."

Luke laughs, delighted, and kisses Alex on the mouth. "I love you."

Alex grins. Now this is more like it, feeling almost normal, and the knots in his body begin to ease. "I love you, _älskling_."

Luke just smiles at that. He tells Alex a couple of stories from the morning, this shoot less enjoyable than a lot of ones he'd been on. But at least he's working and he's got a lot of exciting projects coming up. He makes quick work of his food, sitting back and letting it settle a bit while he shares a couple really stupid jokes this one guy on the crew told them all during their morning break. "The robot slaps the dad. The mum goes 'haha, after all, he is your son' and the robot slaps her."

"Oh, shit!" Alex says with a laugh at the big punchline. "Busted by technology, damn." He sets his plate and silver on the floor, then kicks his feet up onto the coffee table and sits back with his wine. "I'll draw up a new contract for us. You know I just like to have things in writing."

Luke sets his empty plate aside as well and snuggles up to Alex, head on his shoulder. "Thanks. I'd like that," he says, knowing that if Alex is willing to put it in writing he must be fully happy with the idea.

"Good." Alex tightens his embrace, inhaling the familiar scent of him. They sit that way in silence for a few minutes, until Alex blinks his eyes open once more. "Are you ready to go to bed?" He's not sleepy, per se, but damn he's exhausted.

Luke nods. "It feels a lot later than it is," he says, glancing at his watch and stifling a yawn with one hand. He takes his dishes to the kitchen, helping Alex fill the dishwasher.

Alex grins and swats at Luke's hand. "No. What did I say? No chores," he teases, but the work is nearly done anyway. He takes his boy into his arms for a hug, dropping his forehead to Luke's shoulder.

Luke makes a soft sound of pleasure, hugging Alex tight. "Shower first or just bed?"

"Nah, I showered last week. Think I'm set." Alex busses Luke's cheek. "I'll meet you in bed, though. When you're ready." It used to be that Alex would create situations to get them dirty, just for the pleasure of getting clean again with his boy. The world is definitely becoming a scarier place.

Luke takes a quick shower, not wanting to leave Alex alone any longer than absolutely necessary. He checks on the twins and pads naked back into the bedroom, crawling into bed and under the covers, pressing close, his head on his husband's shoulder. "Here I am."

"Hey, love." At least this is something Alex can count on: holding Luke close with his lover sprawled over him has never _not_ felt right. "I'm really sorry if I messed up your day," he murmurs into the softness of his lover's hair. "I hope I didn't I fuck up your work."

"No," Luke says, shaking his head. "But I really hate it when we fight so thank god it doesn't happen very often." He tilts his head back, smiling up at Alex. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. You were right. It wasn't the place."

Alex shrugs it off. "Hey, it's okay." He gives his lover a little squeeze and admits with a sheepish smile, "I've been known to be kind of inappropriate now and then. Not that you'd know this already, obviously."

Luke laughs and snuggles in even closer, running his hand over Alex's chest. "What about now? The babies are sleeping."

Blinking, Alex lifts his head so he can see his husband's face. "You're saying you want to yell at me now, because it's a more appropriate time?"

"No, I'm asking if you want to be _inappropriate with me_ , now," Luke giggles, pressing a kiss to Alex's jaw, his hand sliding slowly lower.

"Oh." Alex chuckles softly. "Nah." He still feels strangely unsettled, almost like he'd be forcing his body into its familiar patterns of arousal with his boy. That couldn't be good for either of them. He captures Luke's wandering hand and presses it to his lips. "Just be with me, _älskling_. Please?"

Luke nods. "Okay." He'd feel a little better if they made love, something about that act reinforcing the intimacy between them and that all is truly forgiven, but it's not all about him and curling up like this with Alex is wonderful on its own. "I love you," he whispers, just because.

Shutting his eyes, Alex smiles faintly in the darkness. "I love you, _älskling_ ," he whispers back, "more every day."

 


End file.
